Late Night Ponderings

Okay, so it is only 9:30 p.m., but I've been up since approximately 4:12 a.m., so it feels pretty late right now. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how unhappy I was, when I was in college. Let me first say that I will never regret the fact that I have a college education. I think the experience itself, however painful it might have been, taught me a lot. That being said, I had no idea what I wanted "to do" with my life when I was 18, therefore, I felt pretty under qualified at choosing a major, which is probably why I have a Bachelor of Arts in English. After I graduated, I still didn't know what to do with myself, so I spent the next few years in various jobs that weren't exactly challenging. When I moved to Idaho, I had a boss that asked me more than once, why I wasn't doing something "better". I'm pretty sure he was referring to something more challenging, or something with a little more status. I don't really know. Maybe I didn't have the ambition to do anything "better". I guess I've always felt a little like I was lost and really didn't know what I wanted for myself. The thing is, lately I feel like I've finally found a place where I fit in, and where I feel fulfilled and happy. I love being a mom. I love being at home with my kids, and yes, I like making dinner every night and sitting down with my family. When we first decided that I wouldn't go back to work, I struggled with wondering who I would "be", or, what I tell people I did, when someone asked, "And what do you do?" I must admit, the first few times, I found myself spurting out what I "use to do" before I was a stay at home mom, like somehow that would make me worthy of being around people who work outside the home, or that it would make me more interesting. I really struggled with that. I lost some sleep over it. It depressed me. Now, I find myself in this delightful place where I cannot believe how lucky I am. I go to bed at night feeling like I accomplished a million things, even though half the time I couldn't tell you what those things were. Don't get me wrong - - this is by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. It is exhausting. I don't get quarterly performance appraisals as a means of measuring my success or failure. I don't get a lot of sleep. Some days (like today, for example) I have massive kid burn-out. Somehow, though, it all seems to balance out, and at the end of the day, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing.