Early Morning Thoughts

Safety first!
The boys and I are in the midst of our first long-ish separation from Steve since he returned from deployment last September. In the grand scheme of things, he won't be away for that long, but still, it is a first for us since returning to normal. So far, the boys are doing just fine. They are missing Daddy a lot, but luckily springtime means lots of activities with school and sports, so we don't have a lot of down time on our hands.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to the sound of Riley "tap dancing" in the laundry room. He usually saves this for 5:15 a.m., but I am guessing he drank some extra water before bedtime last night. Either way, once I am woken up, I'm up. I know I will be feeling this around 2:00 p.m. today, and I will really want a nap that I cannot take.

As I was laying in bed, waiting for Riley to let me know that he was ready to come back in, I was thinking about the little quirks I developed while Steve was deployed, and how quickly they come back when he is away from home. I don't get frightened at night per se - - I'm not afraid to be home alone and I don't really worry about things like that. However, I just don't feel right when he isn't here, and have a hard time winding down for the evening. When Steve is home, I am usually in bed by 9:00 and asleep soon after. I think when he was in Iraq, I avoided getting into bed at night because that is when I would lay in the dark and think about awful things, miss him terribly, and then proceed to have a not-so-restful night's sleep. So I unknowingly developed a night- time routine that involved staying up way too late, to the point where I was so tired that I would fall asleep the minute I got into the prone position, thus eliminating the 'laying in bed and thinking awful thoughts' portion of my evening. It worked for me, except for the part where I was always operating on not enough sleep.

Steve and I have been married for 10 1/2 years, and I've spent roughly 3 1/2 of those years by myself, 3/4 of that time, with children. One would think that it would get easier with time, but I find that separation gets more difficult. When I say this, I am not talking about handling things on my own, without a spouse. I can do that part just fine. I am talking about the mental aspect of it. Nobody can help out with that.

Bronze Star Ceremony

A few days after Steve came home, he held a little ceremony for the boys, to award them for their bravery while he was deployed. He cooked this whole thing up on his own, making up the certificates, and ordering the certificate folders and bronze star pins while he was still in Iraq.



Anyone who knows Steve won't be surprised by any of this ~ he is completely and utterly dedicated to his role as father, and he doesn't take it lightly

He missed his boys so much while he was away, and didn't waste any time at all, jumping right back into family life. He's been taking Camden to school every morning, and picking him up in the afternoon. During the day, he pretty much does whatever Griffin wants, which of course, thrills Griffin to no end!

I love seeing my three boys together, and I'm so proud that I married a man who sets such a good example for our children.

At Last

Steve has been home for a little over a week now, and we are slowly settling back into a normal routine around here. The ten days or so before he arrived were a bit on the frantic side, and the time since then has been spent on lots of family togetherness and time away from the normal hustle and bustle of daily life. Now it is time to get back to our new "old" normal, as we are all craving some structure, so that is our goal for this week. As for my blog ~ it needs some work, and some catching up. So, I am hoping to have the opportunity to attack that this week. I fear my laptop is mired down with too many files, too many pictures, as well as feeling its age, so it hasn't been exactly cooperative lately. Hopefully it will allow me to eek out a few blog posts before it throws in the towel completely!

Done (okay, not really)

Back from Iraq ~ the first time ~ October, 2005

Oh my goodness...I am so done with this deployment. I just want Steve to be here NOW, so badly. You would think I could hold it together - - I mean, he's been gone for nearly a year, but this last little bit is just about doing me in. I am not a patient girl when it gets right down to the wire, and although it appears he will be coming home right around the time we've thought he'd be coming all along, all I can think about is, "why isn't he here now? why can't he come home earlier?" I seriously need to get a grip.

The boys (including Steve) and I have been through a lot this year. We were very lucky to have both my parents and my in-laws both come out for extended visits during that time. We've experienced kindness from the most unexpected places. The hardest parts of a deployment, though, are the parts that nobody else can help you with. Camden and Griffin have both struggled emotionally, in different ways. At times it has been so heartbreaking to watch, and really, there hasn't been a lot I could do other than listen. I really, truly was not prepared to deal with the effect that Steve's absence would have on the boys.

Long separation is rough on a marriage. Even a really good marriage. It is difficult to parent children from opposite sides of the globe, and to make decisions regarding your children. Stress certainly plays a major factor in making it more difficult, and I know that Steve and I both went through a period for a few months where our stress levels were so high that it was difficult to accomplish much at all. I think the worst time for me was after Steve had been home on leave, and it kind of carried on through the end of the school year. Never have I ever been happier for summer vacation and being able to have lots of fun with the boys ~ what a great distraction!

In the end, I'm proud of how we pulled through. Over the years, Steve has been gone a lot, so I knew before he left this time that I was completely capable of caring for the boys on my own. That being said, life is just a whole lot nicer with Steve around. Can't wait to have him back.

Summer's Winding Down

Behold, the mammoth pile of school supplies that signals the start of the school year. I have mixed emotions about summer coming to an end. I love, LOVE summer vacation with the boys, and so enjoy having them with me. I can't get over how quickly it sped by. On the other hand, Camden has been mentioning the last couple of weeks how he just can't wait to see his friends, and frankly, the boys are hitting 'summer burnout' ~ they are bickering a little more than usual, it is super-hot out (so lots of time spent inside) ~ I don't like to say it out loud but I'm afraid we are ready to get back to our school-year routine. Most importantly, for the past year I have said over and over, "When school starts, Daddy will be coming home", so the end of summer means End of Deployment to us. I'm hoping that Steve will be back with us by late September, but unfortunately we don't (and won't) know when he is coming, until he is almost here.

Tomorrow, the boys wrap up their second session of swimming lessons for the summer. This year I decided to try private lessons instead of taking them to the city pool like I have in years past. I am so glad I did ~ the instructor was wonderful and the cost was the same as going to the city pool. The big plus was that the lessons were one-on-one, rather than with a big group of kids at the city pool. I seriously have two little swimmers on my hands now and I couldn't be happier!

My garden is coming right along. I just finished making and freezing some pizza sauce, using the over-abundance (2.5 lbs.) of cherry tomatoes I had. I had made a couple of pasta salads with them but didn't want all the rest to go to waste. I just tossed them on a cookie sheet with some garlic, peppers, and a little balsamic vinegar and roasted everything. When they were done, I added some seasoning, then threw it all in the blender. Now it is stored away in the freezer, waiting for pizza night.

I'm trying to get back into the routine of blogging ~ I've struggled for months with that and I think my biggest issue is time. I don't often get a chance to sit and organize my thoughts during the day, but there is a lot I want to get written down so I suppose I will just have to work harder at that. As for now, I need some sleep!

Daddy Jars

It has been tough-going in these parts lately ~ especially for an 8-year-old that I know. He struggles so with his Dad not being here. Camden is a sensitive little guy, and the older he gets, he tries to hold it in, which never seems to work out for him.

Going through a deployment with children who are old enough to understand that Daddy is gone for a long period of time can be so heartbreaking at times, but I know it is nothing compared to what the boys feel on the inside.

For whatever reason, we've just come out of a particularly rough patch, where not only was Camden not wanting to talk to Steve, he wasn't wanting Steve's name mentioned. He said it made him too sad, so he was just going to try not to think about it. He worked it out in his own way though, and seems to be feeling a lot better lately.

I was trying to come up with something that would help the boys see that we were on the downswing of this deployment, and that Steve would be coming home soon. So I got some pint-sized canning jars and a big bag of M&M's. I have a general idea of when Steve will be back, so we counted out those days in M&M's. The added bonus was that we soon saw that the pint-sized jars were way too big, so we grabbed some 8-ounce jelly jars instead. I made some little labels for the jars, and now, each day, the boys take their jars off the shelf in the living room and take out an M&M, one day closer to Daddy being home again. I think the visual of it has helped them to understand that, slowly but surely, we are getting there.

Superb Military Wife

It has been an odd few weeks. It feels as though I sort of lost my mojo after Steve came home on leave back in February. I don't really know why, but for whatever reason, my confidence slipped, weariness of mind and body took over, and above all else, the gloomy weather that plagues this state during the month of March really sucked the life right out of me. Mind you, I still had all of my gazillion responsibilities to uphold, and uphold them I did - - just not with a whole lot of joy and enthusiasm, unfortunately. I have to be honest here and tell you, plain and simple: deployment sucks. At this point, this time around, I'm tired of it. I want it to be over with. However, we've still got a good 5 months to slug through and I'll be damned if those five months are going to feel like the past two have. No thank you. Contentment is definitely a state of mind, so I know I am in control over how all of this plays out, ultimately. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I don't want Steve to think I can't handle things here, because one, I can, and two, everyone knows that the mark of a superb military wife is how she does it all (perfectly, mind you) while not upsetting/stressing/annoying/worrying, etc. her deployed spouse. A superb military wife does not complain, does not ask for help, and certainly does not require any sort of break from the grueling demands of her "job". I am finally realizing that I just am not a superb military wife, and I am really okay with that.

Blah

Double rainbow over Emmett ~ 3/3/11

For me, this is the absolute worst part of a deployment. At least this deployment anyway. The last time, I was working full-time, so I was blessed with the distraction of my job, the two hours of commute time each day, coworkers, and dare I say, the break in the monotony.

These past few days, I just cannot seem to escape that terrible lonely feeling. I thought today would be better, since it is the weekend and Camden is home, but I feel like I could climb the walls. At the moment, I can't fathom that there are 7 more months of this to get through.

The boys and I are planning to go to a matinee this afternoon, but I'll tell you, with Griff asking every 5 minutes if it is 4:00 yet, I'm starting to wonder if 4:00 will ever get here! I know this will all pass soon enough, and we will be back into our regular routine, but for now, it just plain stinks.

My Steve

Steve left this morning.

Sitting here tonight, I can't believe the past two weeks came and went so quickly. The boys and I had the most wonderful time with him! We packed a lot of fun into 15 days, that is for sure.

R & R is a strange thing. It is something all four of us were waiting and waiting for, but once it arrives, there is a sense of dread that it is going to pass too quickly. I'm happy to say that both Steve and I felt like the pace was relaxed, and we spent our time wisely.

Steve put Camden and Griffin's needs above all else, which is what he does in every-day life anyway. He is such a devoted, involved, and loving father, and he amazes me. I am so proud of him.

One invaluable thing that comes from a deployment is the gift of perspective. I think all marriages could use some from time to time. Being apart really gives one pause to reflect upon what is really, really important in life. Friendship. Respect. Comfort. Understanding. Unconditional love. I'm happy to know that I have these things with my husband. I love him more than anything in the world.

When Steve left this morning, he left love notes for each of the boys, so they would find them when they woke up. This afternoon, when Griffin and I were out playing in the yard, I found this written on our walkway:

Seeing it totally made my day today. I love you, Steve. We miss you so much already.

Exploring by the River

Today was Steve's last full day in Idaho, before he has to head back to Iraq to finish his tour. We didn't really have a plan for the day, other than to have quality time with our boys. The weather was a little chilly, but we decided to head down to the river to do some exploring. This is something that Steve does pretty regularly with the boys, and it is one of their favorite things to do. They both packed up their backpacks with their essential exploring gear, and we were off!

Skipping rocks is always a must

We spent quite a bit of time wandering and exploring and had a great time. Next, it was time for a scenic drive...


Steve relived his youth and impressed his sons, by doing some donuts in the truck.

All too quickly, the day was over with and it was time for stories and bed. We had a really wonderful day and I cannot wait for this deployment to be over with so we can get back to our normal little life.

A Little Getaway

Steve arrived home for 2 weeks of R&R just before midnight on February 13th. He'd been traveling for nearly 75 hours at that point, so the poor guy was exhausted. After about a day of recuperation, we packed up the boys and headed for McCall, where we could be alone and get reacquainted with each other. McCall is a winter-wonderland this time of year, and the only downside to our little trip was that Griffin was not "down" with all of the snow. So, our plans of sledding, skiing, and general snow-time fun were short-lived. The boys were mostly interested in the hotel and the hotel pool, which Steve and I can tell you, was not exactly "heated". Just the same, we had a wonderful time and I'm telling you now, if Steve ever gets deployed again, we will be spending R&R at an undisclosed location where nobody can find us! I can't tell you how important and precious the time together as a family unit is. Really, all I wanted was to hide away somewhere, so I am glad we had the opportunity to get away, if only for a few days. After a couple of nights in McCall, we headed back toward home, but spent a night in Boise first. Again, the boys were most excited about being in a hotel! We had a great time together but of course it went by much too quickly.